Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

     "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

     ******************************

     In a Podiatrist's office:

     "Time wounds all heels."

     **************************

     On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

     "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

     **************************

     At a Proctologist's door:

     "To expedite your visit please back in."

     **************************

     On a Plumber's truck:

     "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

     **************************

     At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

     "Invite us to your next blowout."

     **************************

     At a Towing company:

     "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

     **************************

     On an Electrician's truck:

     "Let us remove your shorts."

     **************************

     On a Maternity Room door:

     "Push. Push. Push."

     **************************

     At an Optometrist's Office

     "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the 

right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:

     "We really know our stuff."

     **************************

     On a Fence:

     "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

     **************************

     At a Car Dealership:

     "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

     **************************

     Outside a Muffler Shop:

     "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

     **************************

     In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

     "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

     **************************

     At the Electric Company:

     "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

     However, if you don't, you will be."

     **************************

     In a Restaurant window:

     "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

     **************************

     In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

     "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

     **************************

     At a Propane Filling Station,

     "Thank heaven for little grills."

     **************************

     And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

     "Best place in town to take a leak."

A SENIOR MOMENT

   A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.  The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

   Dear Sir:

   I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

   By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check

 and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my 

entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

   You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by 

way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

   My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

   I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, 

I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity 

which your bank has become.

   From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments 

will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally a

nd confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must 

nominate.

   Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person  to open such an envelope. Please 

find attached an Application Contact Status  which I require your chosen employee to complete.

   I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about 

me, there is no alternative.

   Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the 

mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by 

documented proof.

   In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

   I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses 

required of me to access my account  balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the 

sincerest form of flattery.

   Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press  buttons as follows:

   1-- To make an appointment to see me.

   2-- To query a missing payment.

   3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

   4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

   5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

   6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am     not at home.

   7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will 

be communicated to you at a later date to theAuthorized Contact.)

   8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

   9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of 

my automated answering service.

   While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

   Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting 

up of this new arrangement.

   May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

   Your Humble Client

   (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

         ( JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!)

Flying Stories

On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight  attendant crew, 

the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning 

down the cabin lights. This is for  your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

  *******************

 Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. I

f you're going to leave anything, please  make sure it's something we'd like to have."

 *******************

 Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. 

So pay attention!"

 *******************

 "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as 

we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 *******************

 As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a

 lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

 *******************

 After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest 

flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing l

ike that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 *******************

 From a Southwest Airlines flight crewmember: "Welcome aboard Southwest

 Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,  insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. 

It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably 

shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

 *******************

 In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, 

grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask 

before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

 *******************

 The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees 

with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, 

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 *******************

 "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use 

them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments."

 *******************

 "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your 

own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

 *******************

 "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed 

equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 ******************

 And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best 

flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 *******************

 Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, 

Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I know what you're all thinking... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the 

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt."

 *******************

 Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: 

During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the 

Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with 

your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 *******************

 Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask

 you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 *******************

 A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong 

crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The 

airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the 

passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated 

that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with 

the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one 

little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting 

first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is

 it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 *******************

 After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, 

please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching 

halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll 

open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

 *******************

 Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. 

And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, 

we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."

 *******************